24 September 2017

Farewell.

Masih jelas rasanya memori 2 minggu lalu, ketika gue dan sang suami on the way ke rumah sakit malem-malem untuk ngasih obat ke om gue. He was sick, very sick. And the day before, gue dan sang suami minta ijin ke keluarga inti dan keluarga besar gue untuk nyobain metode pengobatan baru yang sang suami pelajari sendiri dari internet.

That night, as F hold my hand in the car, I prayed really hard to God.. and I asked Him to grant us not miracle, but simply time.. I asked God to give us more time to try on this new medication. Every day ever since that day was.. nerve wrecking. We were hopeful, but we were scared. Dan Tuhan memang maha baik. Kita semua diberikan waktu seminggu lebih lagi untuk bisa bersama om gue. Beliau sempat membaik, tapi karena satu dan lain hal, he kept deteriorating.

During that time, gue terkagum-kagum melihat betapa kuatnya sodara-sodara nyokap gue, bahu membahu bersatu saling memberikan mental dan financial support di masa-masa sulit ini. Ga sekali dua kali rasa menyesal datang di antara kita semua.. Kadang kita berpikir ada yang harusnya bisa dilakukan lebih, ada yang harusnya dilakukan secara berbeda, ada yang harusnya tidak dilakukan dari awal.. thus I once told my mom and aunt, "We have tried our best, tapi pada akhirnya tetap Tuhan yang menentukan. Ie-ie, kuku, tio-tio sudah melakukan yang maksimal dan terbaik, kita bantu doa dan kasih penghiburan aja dari samping. Sisanya kita berpasrah aja jangan ada yang disesali. Pada akhirnya jalan Tuhan akan selalu indah dan tidak pernah salah."

Kotbah di gereja kemarin malam mengatakan,

bahwa rencana manusia tidak selalu sama dengan rencana Tuhan.

That's right. Malam ini.. despite everything that happened, gue dan family member lainnya percaya, rencanaNya adalah yang terbaik untuk om gue dan kita semua.

Selamat jalan Jiku.

Terima kasih untuk semua perhatian, pelajaran dan bantuan-bantuan yang pernah Jiku berikan. Kejenakaan Jiku dan canda tawa yang pernah kita bagi akan selalu wa bawa di dalam ingatan. Semoga Jiku bisa beristirahat di dalam damai.

Amin.


Bout last night.

Percakapan sama sang suami di mobil tengah malem pas jalan pulang:

C: Ih ini enak banget nih. Salah satu lagu mereka yang aku paling suka. Susah banget judulnya Decalcomanie. Gatau artinya apa.

5 menit kemudian setelah lagu berganti..

F: Hayo tadi judul lagunya apa?
C: Um.. Decol.. maponie?
F: *Geleng-geleng*
C: Ng, Decalmopanie?
F: *Geleng-geleng*
C: Decol..
F: Decal.
C: Oo Decal.. mopanie? (Nyoba lagi kali bener lol)
F: Bukan.
C: Apa si lupa.
F: Decalcomanie.
C: Hah Decalcomanie?? (Kaget, kok aneh bener kayak ga pernah denger...)

Langsung gue cek di iPod, and jrit, tentu sahaja doski benar 😅

18 September 2017

Current state of mind.

Got this from a friend and damn it hit me right in the feels.

Recently this has been me & my husband cause of disagreement. He has always been a person who loves to spend day and night with friends, go out at midnight and go home at dawn. I on the other hand, um, let's say I'm the opposite.

He loves having second round of hanging out. Like going to a friend's place at midnight after we have just finished watching movie. Or going out to eat at 11:30 pm. Or meeting a friend or two at 11 pm which meeting I know will last until 3 or 4 in the morning.

For me, there was a time in my life where I would go out all day long with my friends from noon till midnight; where 11 pm was too early to go home and 2 am was still the perfect time to hang out. But even when I was younger, I never liked leaving my house late at night. Going out from noon to midnight was okay, but leaving my house late always give me a sense of insecurity. And also maybe because my room was getting cozier at night so I was just lazy to move away from that comfort zone.

Now that I am older, that laziness has grown more and more, making me more of a homebody. I have changed while my husband is still pretty much the same.

Since we always go anywhere together, recently there has been a couple of upsetting moments for both of us when we have to decide between 'where to go next' and 'can we just go home'. There was a night when he told me that he thinks who I am today is not bad, but less good than who I was back then. Sadness came rushing to me, making me think how it's enough for me to spend the weekend just the two of us, watching movie together, and how the same thing is not enough to keep him fulfilled.

But being a (hopefully pretty wise) adult, I don't want to turn a blind eye on his need as a young man. He's a married man, yes, but he's still young. And maybe, I don't know if this is true, but maybe, most men are all like that. They have longer period of time in life to be playful and they long for late night hang outs more than women. Maybe.

After our talk that night, I was sort of clouded by his words, and I thought to myself, "Why am I being such a boring person now. Is this not right?" But then my friend randomly gave me the screenshot I posted above, and bam, just like that I felt very much relieved. Most of the time it's always my husband who lifts me up with encouragement, so when he said what he said about me turning into someone less good, I didn't know how to speak up for myself. I have grown to be very dependant on what he said about me, and his label sort of making me think that I was deteriorating as a person. But life is funny. Just when I thought I am maybe indeed becoming a worse version of my old self, words from a stranger on the internet were sent to me and they actually managed to calm me down. I regained my composure and I finally realized, that after being almost 10 years together and almost never be apart from each other, maybe it's time for me and my husband to live our social lives separately and independently.

I told him just last night, that we don't have to keep arguing over different preferences on how to spend the weekend, what time and with whom we want to hang out. It's okay to do things our own ways, and it's fine to be separated from each other from time to time. And then I read him the words on that screenshot, and I said,

"I don't think I am being less good. I think I'm growing up. And it's okay that you don't understand. I too, keep telling myself that it is okay to change and be different from who I used to be."

14 September 2017

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