23 March 2015

A closure.

The last night we stayed in KL, me and my friends had a really serious conversation about something that I've been thinking about for years. It was emotional (at least for me) and I had a really hard time holding back tears (but I did! :D) After all what's a fun trip without dramas, right? ;p

Throughout the years of my relationship with bf, I've heard a lot of comments / judgement from my relatives / family members / friends / close friends / even strangers about how I was always sort of the 'bad guy' in this relationship while bf was the 'good guy / understanding side / and etc'. Blah blah blah, I have gotten used to those kind of comments I'd usually be like "Yea whatever, of course it takes only one person's effort, kindness and endurance to make a relationship works; just like you need only one hand to clap."

But of course the case wouldn't always be the same if my closest relatives / friends were the ones who make that kind of judgement. Like a normal human being, I'd feel wronged. No matter how ugly I am from the outside, I would expect at least them to not judge me before knowing my story.

Long story short that night I expressed my concern to my friends about them tending to side with bf (or in other way: judge me as the more guilty one) without even knowing the whole story in the first place. The conversation was so long (and kinda scattered) I couldn't really recall what's everyone was saying. But some of my friends kinda assured me that that wasn't the case and some said that if it did happen, it would be because of myself; it would be because the way I talk / express / portray myself; to which I completely understand (cause after all I have always been the angry-outspoken-direct-nagging-one in this relationship). But again allow me to repeat myself, that no matter how ugly I am from the outside, I would expect at least them to not judge me before knowing my story. Or even better having them think, "she must have had her reasons to react like that."

I've been constantly fearing.. fearing that my own group of friends (whom of course are also friends with my bf) will judge me behind my back, for being the wrong one almost every time in every case. Well, me and (especially) bf rarely talk about our problems to anyone, so really, people can mostly guess and assume. And when they do, I know they'll mostly see me as the grumpy and constantly nagging selfish girlfriend. I was insecure of being misjudged by the people I care the most.

That night I told my friends, that the only thing that is able to come between me and bf and divide us into two very competitive persons, is them. In front of them we would unconsciously fight for their supports; talk in aggressive and defensive manner; use direct and subtle form of argument, that eventually aim to prove that one of us is a better person in this relationship.

That night, I realized that I want to have them both. I want to have my boyfriend, and I want to have my group of friends exclusively for myself; which was selfish and impossible.. knowing that my bf shares the same friends with me. I think I just wanna be like those mainstream girlfriends who chat, gossip and talk about their boyfriends; compare their flaws and share fighting stories; ask for each other's opinions about certain things; and of course, support and tell each other things like, "Yea I totally understand how you feel."

Bf told me that sometimes it bothered him as well hearing other people judge him for being 'weaker' than me, but it shouldn't concern us too much because we know our relationship better. I truly wish I could be more like him.

That night, I finally 100% understand that no matter how hard I try to explain myself, I would still be unable to prevent anyone - including my closest friends - from judging or taking side in my relationship with bf. The only thing I can do is to let everything be the way it is and let go. And I get that I wouldn't have the kind of mainstream girlfriends relationship I mentioned earlier with my longest and closest group of friends; not now, not ever. But maybe, maybe it isn't entirely bad as well.

I am glad I spoke out about this and I feel like a big heavy burden has been taken away from my shoulder. Hopefully.. I could start somewhere new from here, moving on from the thought of constantly fearing and feeling unfair of being misjudged.

The next morning me and bf talked about this all day long.. and he said to me a lot of wise things. I remembered them all, but this one stayed longer in my head, and it will forever stay in my heart.

And he was right.

Whatever happens
I have you
and you have me
and that's the only thing that matters

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