09 May 2015


I think I've never been this depressed before. Damn you mata ikan, seriously damn you.

Few days ago bf told me that his friend attended a healing mass at our local church and her illness was immediately healed. She had a bump / mass / something and it just disappeared; she then broke down in tears in front of the altar. Right before the mass bf called me and asked whether I want to attend it and I said no.

I told bf quite exactly what I wrote above. I told him.. that maybe miracle at healing mass exists, and some people do believe in it, but I don't know why I don't. Bf told me that this kind of miracle only works for those who truly truly truly super believe in God, and yes I think so too.

I told bf that whenever I pray to God for my sickness, I never ask or hope for an instant mercy or cure or recovery; I would ask Him to grant me patience and strength instead.. I would ask Him to accompany me going through all of this. I would tell Him that even though I am super tired and depressed, I'll keep fighting and believing Him. I never ask for something instant; in fact I don't want something instant. Maybe because it seems.. scary. Honestly that kind of instant miracle does seem scary to me.

And also maybe because I am afraid I'll be like Thomas: believing God only after I have seen Him healing my sickness in a matter of seconds. I don't want to be like Thomas.

So... What exactly am I trying to say? Haha I'm not sure myself. Graaaah T_T once again damn you mata ikan.

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