24 August 2015

Confession of a selfish pig-head.

I am so so so tired and sleepy right now, but this one particular post need to be published asap. Even thou I feel like I am pretty honest in writing my blog, I almost never talk about me and bf's fighting details cause it always feels too personal (and I don't want to attract unnecessary attention, or stalker, if you know what I mean.... *wink*). But there will be an exception for tonight.

So yesterday me and bf had a fight (that explains the emotional writing I posted yesterday... oops). We were planning to go somewhere quite far from Jakarta and we're leaving early in the morning (we've got someone to pick us up), so he had to be at my house at 4:30 in the morning. He was sweating when I opened the door for him (he was running because he didn't want to be late (his house's pretty near); and he was carrying a few kgs of coffee at that moment). That coffee - turned out to be an order from his customer, and he stayed up all night preparing that order. He didn't want to leave that order unfinished cause he would feel uneasy in our trip (and also because we didn't know for sure what time we would head back home). He then told me that he didn't get to sleep at all.

I was shocked and.. upset. I was truly upset to the point where my eyes starting to tear (of course not immediately in front of the house gate, hahaha my life is not a Korean drama. It started happening after I nagged for a while). Long story short I told him that he made me worry, and that I wouldn't want him to go in that kind of sleepless condition, cause it's probably going to be a long and tiring day. And I told him again, that sometimes he need to choose between work and me, and it's better for me to see him choosing work rather than see him forcing himself like this over and over again (we have had a couple of arguments about this before, and I kept telling him I don't like seeing him forcing things like that).

It's just, it didn't make me happy at all seeing him showed up like that. I worried, I felt like crap, guilty, and I had this mix sad-angry feelings I couldn't seem to explain. And I know for sure that I wouldn't be upset if he told me beforehand that he had some work to do. I would be so happy to see him working so hard and diligently.

After he saw me crying, he said sorry but didn't talk much after that. He did try to explain himself, but being a shit-nagging girlfriend I was, I just kept telling him that I didn't like what he did. We spent the day like normal human beings, laughing and etc with my other family members (the trip was hosted by my extended family).

Long story short again, we went to church together that night and then parted our ways without talking this through or resolving the tension. Few hours before we ended our night, he told me that he has always wanted to be with me, no matter how busy or tired he was. He told me he was struggling that midnight, to get the order ready before dawn so he could join my family trip, and it would be nice to see a little bit of happiness and gratitude from me; but instead I showed him only my disappointment.

His words were short (very very short compared to mine haha), but it hit me hard, and it traveled back and forth in my mind for a long time. Later that night, right before going to bed, I told my mom about this and she said to me, that even thou she understand how I feel, I shouldn't be that angry over something that has already happened. I should've been more understanding. I should've greeted him with much better attitude, cause after all he showed up for me and me only.

And just like that, my eyes were wide opened and I knew what I have done wrong. I know, screw me for taking more than 15 hours to finally understand that simple thing. He came to my house this afternoon, and the first thing he did when he saw me was hugging me real tight. I hugged him back, and I told him that I was sorry. He whispered back that he should be the one who said that. I answered him that I was the wrong party, and I was truly sorry.

Sigh, even writing this makes me very emotional *sobs*. I did and said a lot of unfair things to him yesterday, and the first thing he did when he saw me today was to hug me. *Insert emoticon of a woman screaming and crying while scratching the wall using her nails here* I swear no one handled me better than him. I feel truly loved and wanted. Everything he does seem to be for me or because of me. Every day I witness a living proof of an unconditional love that comes from a person who is not a mother.

Every day, I learn the importance about finding and choosing someone who see and accept you for who you truly are. I am fully aware that I am such a hard person to deal with, and many times I can be very hard to control. Without abundance amount of genuine love, he wouldn't be here today to hold my hands and guide me through life.

Every day he teaches me how to compromise and put aside our individual ego for a greater good.

And every day he shows me something I didn't quite believe before, that differences unite people even more compared to similarities, and it's probably the only thing that could bring them together forever.

F, thank you for introducing me to this kind of love. I could never ask God for more. Sorry for always being a selfish pig-head.

I love you, so much, more than you can ever imagine.

*Sobs again* *Insert emoticon of a pig crying here*

3 comments:

  1. jea tukang stalker di pagi hari26 August, 2015 07:26

    awwwww berasa baca novel dechhhhhh

    ReplyDelete
  2. macem Chiung Yao cil.. #kabutcinta #halah

    ReplyDelete

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